Pushing Your Buttons & Boundaries

Geplaatst op 31-07-2025

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My boyfriend (age 36, never married) is going away this week on a one week vacation to California without me. He took me along to three 3 day trips this past year but I was a tag-a-long on business trips. We’ve been together a year and this was the first time we had a chance to go away together on a trip w/o business attached to it.

In June we were broken up (he broke up with me) when we were suppose to go to Disney for his birthday. He cancelled our trip and changed his ticket and went to Miami by himself. While in Miami, I was getting over him- he started emailing me telling me how much he misses me and want to work on our relationship and get back together. He even called me to ask me to go to this August California trip offering to bring both me and my dog. Now he says the reason he is not taking me to California is that he wanted me to pay for my own ticket and put some skin in the game and that would show my commitment to our relationship. I told him I wanted him to pay for it to show me he wanted me there because he loves me and that it would show me his commitment and that he didn’t just want me around for sex.

We both think the other one is not committed to each other. I admit I walk out or break-up with him when things are going bad- but they are for good reasons like being demeaned or verbally abused (he has an anger management issue he is working on).

. Being a recovering alcoholic with clinical depression (and I work really darn hard with medical professionals to deal with these issues) does not mean that if I confront him on areas where I am not being treated with consideration and respect, and where I may get sensitive about- that it amounts to me being in a mental wheelchair with “special needs”. He uses my illness against me whenever I have any expectations of him that are entirely reasonable to everyone else- just not to him. (I do not use my illness as a crutch or as an excuse. I am in therapy and am extremely proactive about living a strong healthy good life. My boyfriend acts like I am a basket case when I am not.)

My boyfriend thinks that I am overreacting about feeling alienated and rejected right now. He says he gave me an opportunity to go and just wanted me to put some money into the game b/c our relationship is so volatile.

Please do not think I am a primadonna that just needs him to pay for me. I NEVER ask him for anything in terms of material gifts- jewelry, clothes, handbags, etc… I earn about 15% of what he earns and am not the type of girl to demand or expect gifts. I do let him pay for most of our dates and I’ll pitch in by buying some groceries to cook for him or movie tickets- the smaller stuff. I go out of my way to constantly surprise him in a good way and he admits what a loving generous woman I am. I want to see that he can be generous and loving with me and towards me. I want to see him cherish me. He thinks he shows that by all the times he’s driven me to the post office or when he has picked me up from the train station so I don’t have to walk in the rain or heat. I wanted some romance and I had to ask 6 months for a teddy bear and a bouquet of flowers. he said he use to give girls teddy bears and flowers and handbags and whatever they wanted because he was buying their love. now he’s over all of that.

Did I want too much by wanting him to fly me to California? The beach house he’s staying at is free as a gift from a business acquaintance.

Does this mean that he is just “not that into me”?

Super Thanks!! Karina |Age: 28

ORIGINAL ANSWER FROM AUGUST 2024:

Listen, you’re insecurity and neediness is not his problem. That’s your problem. You wanted flowers and a teddy bear because that, to you, demonstrates affection and romance? What are you…12? The problem here is that you need constant affirmation that he loves you and vice versa. Being a tag along on his business trips wasn’t enough? No, you needed your own special trip. You want him to fly you and your dog across the country because that makes you feel loved and wated. And that’s his problem…how?????????

I believe that the volatility comes from me never feeling completely loved and accepted by him thereby pushing me away and me feeling defensive and pushing him away. See the spiral?!!

I don’t know….DO YOU????????????? Jesus, listen to yourself. “Me me me me me me and oh yeah…ME.” Of course the guy needs time away from you and wants you to pony up. You are so trapped in your own head and self-absorbed “I need him to do XYZ because then if he does I’ll feel loved and appreciated.” Okay, so you’re low self-esteem and is his responsibility? Guess what? You absolutely DO use your alcoholism and depression as crutches. You did it in your letter. You justified your neediness by citing your issues with alcohol and depression. Crutch? Meet kettle.

So, what, every time this guy doesn’t feed your need for attention you threaten to walk? Were you that kid who always threatened to run away as a child and who totally had her parents whipped and wrapped around her finger??? I’m betting you were. God, must have been quite a shock for you when you grew up and learned that the world does not revolve around you. That’s a really safe and nurturing environment you’ve cultivated there. Stop acting like a spoiled child. Not every guy is going to shower you with affection the way Daddy did. Despite what I’m betting you were told throughout your life, you are not a Princess. Listen to how many times you felt a need to defend the accusations that you’re a basket case, primadonna, etc. When people offer up things like that, know what that means? It means they are, in fact, exactly what they are denying that they are.

He also periodically breaks up with me because he thinks I have special needs that he is not ready to be responsible for

Translation – You’re too high maintenance and a raging pain in the ass. Don’t try and make this guy out to be the bad guy here. If he thinks you have specials needs it’s probably because you remind him of them every friggin’ time you two have a fight. Depression and alcoholism, while definitely very serious, are not life threatening. People walk this earth every god damn day living with both and you know what? They take responsibility for themselves and their behavior and manage to have perfectly healthy relationships. You are not dying or handicapped.

Grow. Up.

UPDATED ANSWER FEBRUARY 2025

I’m actually embarrassed by this level of hostility. I have to apologize to the woman who submitted this, if she’s even reading anymore after this insane tongue lashing. Somebody took her projecting pill before writing this response.

The real issue that I should have focused on was:

Sometimes two people are just not healthy for each other. These people can be totally capable of maintaining healthy, productive relationships with other people. But together they poke and prod and push buttons. This guy pushes your buttons. You push his. Maybe not intentionally or maliciously. But something about each of your personalities triggers a really negative response or pingsback to some negative point of reference. I’ve had two relationships like this in my life. You become a completely different person. You look back on those times and you literally can not recognize the person you were.

You are seeking this guy’s approval. You want this man to show you what you mean to him, and you’re basing that validation on actions that – in the grand scheme of things – don’t matter. This isn’t about the trip. And it’s not about the money. This is about pushing boundaries. Tests. Chess Moves. Ultimately, it’s a bout a lack of trust. He’s thinking that you’ve left him before, and you’ll likely leave him again. You’re thinking that he thinks you’re this broken little rag doll and you’re trying to stand up to him. I think to some extent you’re both a little broken in that you can’t fix the real problem in your own minds.

I’d suggest talking it out but, unfortunately, I think the damage is done here. You keep trying to fix something that can’t be repaired. You tried, and you gave it an admiral attempt. But sometimes you need to pay attention to how you allow yourself to feel when dealing with this person.

I don’t think you’re fighting to save your relationship. You’re fighting for your own self-worth. That’s why you are ignoring all the signs. You’re sticking it out because you feel like you’ve lost your footing and need to get it back.You’re in a race with him to see who has more control or power in the dynamic. He’ll relent and give in, but then out of no where he’ll do something to throw you off your game. Everything will be steady as she goes until..BAM!…one of you decides to disrupt the flow. It’s all about control. Not just control…total dominance. It’s about beating the other person down until they’re totally submissive. And it never ends.

You have to understand something. These people? These button pushers? Their opinion means NOTHING. We put them high up on a pedestal and give them far more credit than they deserve. Here’s what I’ve learned: People like this are never what they seem. Their arrogance and dismissive and controlling behavior is a cover for something. They’re keeping you at a distance for a reason, and it’s usually to make sure you don’t see them for the person they really are.

If you’re constantly berating yourself, questioning yourself, analyzing every word, doubting your own memory…it’s time to go. If only to protect your own ego and self-esteem.